Twenty-Nineteen. Where the f*** do I even begin to describe this year? Like many others would say; this year almost destroyed me but I had to make a choice, do I really want to be destroyed or do I want to make it. My stubborn will to live left me with no choice except, I will make it. Not only will I make it but I will be victorious, somehow.
One of the hardest lessons this year was letting go, in fact, it was a major theme throughout. I walked into the year knowing that I was carrying too much baggage. Too much baggage personally and professionally. The one thing that ripped me a part was letting go of a 3-year relationship with someone I thought I loved. I say that because fear and love cannot co-exist and I feared dealing with the pain of letting go more than I loved him. I remember being down and out in June after my cousin’s passing and praying “let your Will be done Lord, I’m tired!”. A second after that prayer, I knew that relationship was first to go. The next month a storm hit me! How the Universe pushed me out of that relationship was hell but I now needed to practice everything I learnt in the years of initiation (a blog for another day); forgiveness, unconditional love, self-healing, asking for help and the biggest of them all; self-love!
Social media has painted self-love as massages and face masks. Although those are necessary, it’s far from what self-love and self-care is actually about. In fact, self-love is messy! It’s grueling and testing! It’s unlearning and relearning yourself. It’s taking accountability for your decisions and actions. In 2019, self-love was also about trusting my intuition again. There were one to many incidences where I went against my intuition and I had to first forgive myself for that and then relearn how to hear myself and trust my truth. Loves, nothing prepares you for the self-love process like being rock bottom with no-one insight. This year I learnt to be my own best friend and to be content with me. It’s still a journey, but this time it’s more gentle.
And so I was left with a hand-full of those! My definition of friendship has changed because of the self-love journey. I began to see how I was there for people who didn’t hesitate to disappear and reappear when times were good. Self-love has also shown me how I was quick to sacrifice myself for people who didn’t bother give the same energy. I had too many groove friends and not enough sisters. In an online self-development course I was part of this year called the Awakening Woman, we learnt about self fullness and the importance of putting yourself first. The concept was first met with a lot of resistance but I kept at it and it helped to shed away friends who took and never gave back. I’m so grateful for those who stayed. I also realized how much I neglected my male friends, those men pulled through in ways I least expected. When I jola again, I’m not letting them go! They come with the package. Also, Makhotso Mabote… What an angel!
Entering A New Decade
I had big plans for my crown year, I was turning 30 on the 30th this year, but the Universe had other plans. My 29th year was about letting go, breaking apart and rebuilding and thankfully by the time I turned 30 I was in a better space. I wrote in my 30 Years, 30 Reflections blog that its possible to be happy, hurt and healing at the same damn time. I chose to be happy and allow God to take care of the hurt and healing process because I didn’t know how to. It was the best decision ever but it didn’t come easy. By the time I turned 30 I had a better relationship with my body via the UFYS Retreat, I had begun to forgive situations and people I thought I would never be able to forgive and I was hopeful about the rest of the year. Oh, and my 30th birthday lunch was magical. I’m still in awe off the love I received that day and afterwards.
And so she lived happily ever after… After the testing year, I knew there would be a happy ending somewhere but I didn’t know it would be this big. In November I ran my first marathon, yep a whole me. 42km’s, a huge milestone for me. After the Soweto Marathon I felt unstoppable. It was also round about this time that my boss told me I exceeded expectations for someone who just got here in July and started working as a digital strategist. All the digital activities (except editorial news) was added value before I got here, it’s now all costed and we’ve worked out a system. We built a solid team that has each other’s back and actually enjoys their job.
The biggest home run was being back on air on POWER 98.7. Please understand that this has been on my vision board for three years and this year, my life coach Busi Selesho told me to let it go and work on myself. How the programing manager heard about me was miraculous. I was telling a loved one how I am quick with the punish lines because I was on air and you needed to be quick on your feet when you’re on air. Next thing he tells me they were looking for female presenters and asked if I was interested. The same day I get a phone call to come audition and waaalaaaa, after four auditions or so, I was on air on the 16th December 2019. I didn’t fight or force things, the opportunity came to me at the perfect time. When I was happier and lighter. And just after I bought myself a car.
One blessing after the other followed after that. I got MC’ing gigs, I met people who genuinely love me… When I say I am highly favoured, I’m not bragging. But, it comes with constantly working on myself and a high level of self-awareness and self-love. The irony is that when you prioritise self-love and self-care, everyone falls at your feet to love and take care of you. My coach just reminded me to not make plans for 2020 but to allow the Universe to reveal the plans to me. It sounds like an insane method but it’s a winning formula. “Just to continue to be grateful and allow great things to happen…”
Sounds like a plan to me. We’ve laid the foundation and I don’t know about you but I can feel it, 2020 is an amazing year. Or kanjane?