Hey love…
It’s been a while. Life has been lifing, and it required me to be still. So still, that even writing felt too loud.
But here I am, slowly returning to myself, piece by piece. Here’s a little update on life lately. Where do I even begin?
Hurt…
So there I was, looking forward to the June 16 long weekend. Nothing fancy was planned; I just needed rest, a moment to catch my breath. Little did I know, I was rushing toward the day my beloved grandmother would take her last breath. Two months later, it still feels unreal. The occurrences of June 16 are still so fresh, especially the emotions of that day, as though they happened yesterday, and it will take a very long time for the memories of that day to fade.
I’ve lost people before, but this hit different. And the interesting part? Nothing could’ve prepared me for this. In March, I started feeling the urge to go see her more often — I didn’t know it then, but maybe my soul was preparing for what was to come. Either way, nothing can prepare you for the loss of a loved one, no matter how old or ill they were before the passing.
If someone had told me on January 1st, 2025, that August would be soaked in grief, I would’ve laughed. 2025 had started with so much joy. It felt full of promise — travel plans, creative energy, hope. But life, as it does, had its own timing.
Healing…
It gets better, apparently. Two months later, I randomly cry when I remember I can’t call her. Sundays have been sombre when I remember she’s no longer around. The two interesting aspects of the healing journey:
1. I often hear songs in my head, and when I play the songs, they make perfect sense. The Soil – Sedilaka and Dennis Ferrear – How Do I Let Go have been my go-to songs. I went down a rabbit hole and found out that Dennis wrote Ho Do I Let Go for a friend who was dying; he says he can’t listen to that song without falling apart. The saying “When you’re happy, you enjoy the music, but when you’re sad, you understand the lyrics,” by Frank Ocean, was suddenly true for me with this song.
2. My partner, friends, and family; the love and kindness they’ve shown me, I am so grateful. The phone calls, the texts, the memes. I am so grateful for them because grief is challenging to navigate. I sometimes wish I knew what to do with the grief, and I knew when it will stop. But I am grateful I have pillars to hold me.
The healing hasn’t looked like spa days or sage. It’s been quiet. Sometimes ugly. Often slow. It came in unexpected ways — in conversations with strangers, in walks without my phone, in running crazy mileages, in taking drives to clear my mind, and in crying while washing dishes. It’s in the small moments. Another thing that has helped me is pole dancing. I don’t think the crew I dance with know it, but the community I’ve built here has been a cushion for my sensitive heart.
Happy…
In the midst of it all, joy still finds me. When I find pockets of joy, I make the best of them. And this kind of joy just shows up — in soft mornings, in deep laughs with friends, in music that makes me dance without thinking. It’s quieter, more intentional, more sacred now more than ever.
I appreciate that there’s a version of me being born in all this. A version that is softer. Stronger. Less performative. I value stillness, even if it means making me miss my grandmother. I look at videos of her, and I am so happy she loved the camera and played along when it was pointed at her. Once upon a Sunday, she bought herself a dress, and she wore it as soon as we arrived to show off her new purchase. I’ll never forget how she twirled around the dress and braced herself for the many photo’s and video’s. She later wore the dress on her birthday.
I miss her so much. Her voice and laughter still echoes; it always will. Although the first prize is to have her around forever, I’ll always be grateful she gave us 92 years.
So, that’s life lately — a mix of happy, hurt, and healing, and taking it one day at a time.
And if you’re in the middle of your own version of this, I see you. Take your time, and be gentle with yourself.
Here’s a playlist I curated for you;
Apple https://music.apple.com/za/playlist/august-2025-a-healing-heart/pl.u-6mo448KTRzaBdd
Spotify https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5r3HmTJDZAiaBu2DiXwEmB
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